Ultra-Marines

 

The battle against the Ultra Marines was rough, rough was an understatement. But the Archon figured out exactly why they were sent to Nolor to 'play' with them. The Archon needed to familiarize himself with foreign weaponry, particularly what was known as 'guess weapons'. The Archon then realized what a pathetic race humans were. They had incredibly inadequate, destructive, incredibly crude weapons that they couldn't even use properly. To think that his squad of Reavers were precise enough to cut a man's throat while driving past them and leave enough flesh so that the victim's head wouldn't fall off, and these humans actually had to guess the efficiency of their weapons. He had to wonder how the humans became a race to reckon with in the first place; they were true enigmas.

J.E.: Report.

A.S: The reconnaisance mission was successful, even if the battle was a loss.

Xhosha: What do you mean, reconnaisance? We were-

A.S.: Listen, you moron, we were sent to assess our chances of winning a battle against those with weapons that are unfamiliar to us. Our Lord is obviously preparing us against a threat that is either unknown or unconfirmed. It was pretty obvious to me, but that is why I'm Archon, and you're not. Do not interrupt me again!

Xhosha: Yes, my Lord.

A.S.: Anyway, I sent the Horns out to handle the scouts, while the Emerald Squad took out a predator. Just as fast, the space nazis, who our comm experts confirmed were led by Librarian Tiberius, had a whirlwind that utterly devastated the Obsidian Knights. Tiberius kept mispronouncing our name as the "Dork Eldar", which leads me to question his level of intellect. If those were truly guess weapons, the space nazis certainly didn't appear to be guessing, because they were right on target. I dismissed it as luck. The Talos was attacked also, but managed to shake off the effects of a lascannon, suprisingly. <the Haemonculi smile> The scouts were very well occupied by the Reavers as they returned fire, just like I anticipated. <with a contemptuous glare> Now, you may proceed.

Xhosha: After we took care of the Predator, Tiberius fell upon us and was a tornado of fury. I saw him singlehandedly take out 3 Eldar with one swing. The Talos followed him into the assault and tried to sneak attack Tiberius as he peeled through my squad.
Bad move: Tiberius pulled out a Force Axe and tore the Talos to pieces, and I gave the order for Emerald to continue the assault.

A.S.: At this time, I had instructed the Zulu Knights to assist the Horns by firing upon the scouts, who were becoming an annoyance. I noted an explosion let off by the Whirlwind that was apparently intended for the Emerald Squad. If that was their intention, they weren't even close. I anticipate that they were trying to take out the 'Lancers without success based on the geometric angle that the explosions took place in conjunction with the topography matrix analysis. Then the nazis turned upon my retinue, and neutralized my shadow field. I nevertheless gave the order to finish off those annoying @ss scouts.

Xhosha: Meanwhile, as our eminent Archon finished off the scouts, my Emerald Squad, with much difficulty, killed their tactical marine and I gave the order to retreat. They are very crafty swine, and I saw no reason than to take more losses than necessary.

J.E.: Analysis?

A.S.: As far as these guess weapons? Not a problem, now that I know how they work. All we need to do is maximize our speed and they won't be able to use them properly. We also need to maximize coverage of terrain in order to frustrate them. If we clump together, they can take more of us out.

J.E.: Good, Archon. Well, for your next mission I have a little treat: A highly experimental grav tank. You seem surprised, heh. Most Dark Eldar are too proud to note the usefulness of such a vehicle, since the sellouts depend on them. But we have finally found a way to develop the technology and utilize it's potential the Dark Eldar way. In fact, you all are going to prove my thesis correct. And if you don't, well..............I know that you will. Oh, and by the way, I would like to introduce you all to the newest editions to our little family: Osiris and Nebula. They should be arriving here shortly from the Black Library. We will assist them in a recon mission against the Followers of Korne as a token of good faith to our secret partners...